True Stories
On my mailing list, I had someone talking about "...worrying about getting struck by lightning on a cloudless day in the middle of a December in Anchorage, Alaska while being struck by a car that was swerving to miss an antelope that escaped from the Bronx Zoo. I actually have insurance that covers this occurance." Just thought this was funny!

The Psychiatrist
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I can't do that." replied the man.
"Why not?" said the doctor.
The man responded, "Because I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

Sneaking It In
Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck to enter El Paso from Mexico.
They rigged it so that propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana.
They were clever, but not bright.
They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Golfing Buddies
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

The Debate
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.
Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
The other candidate defiantly yelled back, "You leave my wife out of this!"

The Party
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. Now there were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Curing The Patient
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.
His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."

The Time Is...
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle."

An ALL New Model
A couple of buddies, Anthony and Raymond, were bragging about their families. Anthony related how his cousin had invented a tool for sawing wood at odd angles. The tool was so fantastic that his cousin had it patented and was paid millions of dollars by a big home supply company for his invention.
Raymond was quick to respond to this by saying "That's pretty impressive, but my uncle in Detroit came up with an even better invention than that. He made a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Anthony replied, "Wow, that's an amazing bit of engineering wizardry. When he was all done piecing that new kind of vehicle together, what did he get?"
"Fifteen years." answered Raymond.

At The Pearly Gates
Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates.
St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"
"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."
"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes.
The same question is asked of the second doctor.
"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor."
St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.
The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."
St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only under one condition ... "
"What's the condition?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "That you leave after 2 days."

Date Advice
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"
She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Supporting His Family
Bill had proposed to young Lynn and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Bill, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Lynn's father. "There are twelve of us."

What Do You Do?
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be one hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be one hundred for?"

When I Grow Up
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and the offering plate never passes the minister."

Polar Bear Conversation
One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know - am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"

Policy Decisions
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill-out a form to get it back.
So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night.
In a week, the boss had an office full of garbage and we never heard about the policy again.

Two Engines
A large two engine train was crossing America.
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

Response Time
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

In Season
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A Physician's Tale
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby in for him to see, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and that now his little bottom was irritated.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and quickly determined the problem - the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

A Curious Passenger
On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
Finally, she rang for the steward.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Trendy Shopping
When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.
After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays.
Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal.
The woman was the only customer.
The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.
The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.
It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.

Horn Beep
One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said "I did that by accident".
She replied "I know that, daddy."
I replied, "How'd you know?"
Melanie said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

A Safer World
A teenaged boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.
While fishing, the grandfather starts talking about how times have changed.
The boy picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
The grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Jonah And The Whale
A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for "big church." The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"
Then the pastor asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The pastor then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"

Defense Question
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

Jump-Starting The Beetle
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.
I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off down the street.
I sat there wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my instructions...

A Wayward Nickel
A boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands.
"Where did you get that lollipop?" his mother asked.
"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."
"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School!"
"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

A New Water Gun
When the three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His mother was not so pleased.
She turned to Grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandma smiled and then replied, "I remember."

An Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

EuroEnglish
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of negotiations, her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrivum vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

The New Pastor
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

Bar Rules
A lawyer walks into a bar with a duck under his arm.
Says the barman, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve pigs."
The lawyer replies, "This is a duck, silly!"
To which the amused barman says calmly, "I was talking to the duck."

Miracle Worker
One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man and he could see and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government." The Lord sat down and cried with him.

Short Cut
While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer.
To his surprise he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police.
An MP approached him and said in a stern voice, "Are you supposed to be here?"
Unsure of what to say, he replied, "Not yet."
The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

Giving Praise
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I bought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

Commuting Phobia
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams.
To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride.
He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

Market Sleep
While the U.S. stock market is at an all time high, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. I went to my financial advisor at the bank and asked if he was worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
I was amazed and asked, "Really??? Even with all the fluctuations?"
He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."

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