A Slap Of Luxury
An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights.
"Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window. "I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls driver.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"

Urgent Phone Call
The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use.
So I stood to the side to politely wait until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two minutes later, he was still not talking.
Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I told the man that I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver ... "I'm talking to my wife."

Divorce Settlement
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Sesame Seed Buns
I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."

Long Gone
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there, he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Really?" asked the tourist.
"Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!"

Known Too Well
A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
The passenger said, "Who?"
The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect."
The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood."
The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."
The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave."
The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"
The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!"

Three Little Words
Besides "I love you," what three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I’ll fix it."

The Cat Burglars
Two thieves decided to break into a rich man's house one night. They decided to enter through the chimney. Unaware that the rich man was at home, the first thief began to climb down the chimney, quite noisily.
"Who's there?" yelled the rich man, who was up late reading in bed.
"Meow, meow," said the first thief imitating a cat.
Convinced that it was only a cat, the rich man went back to reading.
After a while the second thief began to make his way down the chimney, just as noisily as the first thief.
"Who's there?" asked the rich man once again.
Convinced that he could trick the rich man, the second thief replied quite confidently - "It's just another cat, sir!"

Beware of Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Alligator Challenge
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the water!!!"

Going All The Way
Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

Wrong Answers
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Hard-Boiled Defective
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

A Grave Error
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septictank."

A Death Row Courtesy
An inmate on death row in Texas was scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection the following day.
Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to the man, but when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he replied that he didn't want anything special.
When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said that there was nothing special that he wanted to do.
It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was strapped down for execution, the guard asked the man if he wanted a cigarette.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

That Time Of The Month
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . ."
He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night."

Identity Crisis
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Church Bell Blues
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

Safety Issues
A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he as wearing a seat belt, he had just won 5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At thet moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

The Horse and the Chicken
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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