It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Luzzu wasn’t sure exactly what he *had* expected. The smell of sulfur hung in the air and, beneath it, the tang of blood. He could feel it in the back of his mouth. He was covered in it, blood and dirt and bits of Sinspawn that had been hacked to pieces. Very little of the blood was actually his own, and as he vainly attempted to clear his stinging eyes with the back of his hand it occurred to him that perhaps that was why he was so surprised - he had never really expected to live to see it. Hadn't *wanted* to see it. In Sin's wake the beach seemed oppressively still; few of the bodies beside him moved at all. A feeble cooing made him look to his right, where a chocobo lay on its side, kicking feebly. Blood poured from beneath its body, bubbling out of the edges of its beak, and Luzzu's first instinct was to help it. He reached for its head and it stretched towards his touch weakly, blinking up with glazed blue eyes. Luzzu was no chocobo expert, but even he could tell that the bird was fatally injured.
"Shhh," he murmured, stroking its head again. "It's okay, it's okay."
His short sword lay in the sand a few feet away and he groped for its hilt, taking a moment to wipe sand and Sinspawn parts onto his pants. Tried not to think too hard about what he was doing as he jerked sharply, blade slicing easily through the outstretched muscles of the bird's neck. It didn't even realize what was happening until it was already dead.
Luzzu knelt beside the body for a moment, focusing on his breathing. His hands were sticky with the chocobo's blood, and he tried wiping them on the already-ruined fabric of his pants, but it did little good.
Survivors were beginning to straggle to their feet, getting their bearings, assessing the damage. Luzzu checked his pockets for Potions, couldn't find any. Nothing to do, now, but make sure Gatta was all right.
A glance up at the cliff through matted bangs told him that at least the base was still standing. Logically, he knew Gatta was probably safe, but... but there was still that knot of worry, heavy in his stomach, and he knew it wouldn't go away until he saw the boy with his own eyes.
He staggered forward, trying not to look at the broken chunks of rock and partially crushed bodies, trying not to hear the moans of the dying. He was worried. The longer he went without seeing Gatta, the more worried he'd get. He concentrated on his breathing again - in-two-three, out-two-three. Everything was going to be all right. Gatta had been ordered to stay at the base, out of danger. In-two-three, out-two-three. Concentrate. Seal away the useless emotions. Worry was useless. Panic was useless. In-two-three, out-two-three. Build walls around them, high walls to hold them safely deep inside.
Almost to the cliff, now. Nearly there. A dark shape lay huddled near the path up to the base. Luzzu breathed, in-two-three, out-two-three.
And then he realized just what the figure was, and all four walls came crashing down.
He forgot all about breathing, breaking into an awkard run, sliding in the sand. It was as though he was moving in slow motion, hearing nothing but his pulse beating hard in his temples and his own voice whispering *No, no, no...*
His feet slipped and he fell to his knees, grabbing one of Gatta's cold hands in both of his own. No warmth. No movement. No life.
Luzzu squeezed his eyes closed, pressing Gatta's hand to his lips, slowly. Some strange feeling was building in his chest and before he knew it he was laughing, high-pitched and uncontrollable. The sound hurt his own ears but he couldn't stop, just kept laughing and laughing until his throat was choked with it.
The laughter died as quickly as it had come, leaving him in silence. He was strangely calm, now. He simply sat, Gatta's head in his lap, smoothing back dark hair.
The boy's body was oddly undamaged. Luzzu frowned a bit and turned him over. His back was stained with red, and something large was sticking out of it, just above his waist. The tail from one of those Sinspawn that had been swarming the beach. It must have surprised him from behind. Luzzu pulled the barbed tail out with some difficulty, wondering if Gatta had killed the thing that did it. Something certainly had, if the tail had been severed.
He flung the bit of Sinspawn as far as he could. It landed somewhere in the carnage on the beach, out of sight. He wanted to get it as far away from Gatta as he could, even if it was too late now.
Strange, how calm he was. Strange that all he wanted was to sit here quietly, holding him, and remember how things used to be.
"I remember when you first said you wanted to become a Crusader."
The voice was his own. He blinked in surprise, and even though he knew rationally that Gatta couldn't hear him now, he didn't try stopping himself.
"You were so young I almost said no, but you had your jaw set and I knew instantly that I wouldn't be able to turn you away. And you weren't that much younger than Chappu, really." He closed his eyes, sinking into memories. "Losing Chappu was hard for both of us. He was a fellow soldier, but he was also a friend, and I don't think either of us ever really expected that we could die in our battles with Sin. Losing him taught me to take things more seriously, but you... you just wanted to fight harder than ever."
"And I remember, just after his Sending, packing up his things in the tent we had shared with him. I remember the way you were staring at me, the way it made me feel. The strange tightness in the pit of my stomach. You came closer and I swear it was you who kissed me, although you kept insisting later that it was the other way around. But I realized then that I had to protect you, that I couldn't let you..." Luzzu swallowed. His breathing was speeding up and he concentrated on calming himself for a moment.
"I remember the one time we made love. The way you trembled, but insisted that you were all right. The way your eyes squeezed shut so tightly when I entered you that I was sure it must have hurt, but you wouldn't tell me to stop. We couldn't afford to be caught
and you kept biting my shoulder, trying not to moan. And when you came, the light in your
eyes was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"I know you were angry about not getting to be on the front lines, but... but I expected to die here, and I didn't want to take you with me."
A sudden sound made him jerk in surprise, the eerily beautiful singing of pyreflies.Yuna must be performing the Sending, he realized absently, as all along the beach streams of green-blue light floated upwards. The light flowing from Gatta's chest hovered in front of him for a moment, as if reluctant to leave. "It's all right," he whispered. "Go."
He held Gatta's hand until the lights had disappeared from view.
--
Luzzu dreamed.
He dreamed of flashing eyes and dark skin. He dreamed of cross-shaped scars, rough under his fingertips. He dreamed of cocky boasting giving way to shy, featherlight kisses, stolen furtively in the empty Crusader's lodge. He dreamed of a boy following him everywhere, just a step behind like an idolizing shadow, warm at his back. But when he reached for him, his hands found empty air. He could see Gatta standing there, so close, but his hands passed right through him as though he wasn't there. The boy just kept smiling softly until he had dissolved into glowing pyreflies.
Luzzu didn't start awake, as was normal for a bad dream. He simply opened his eyes as if it hadn't been a dream at all and found himself alone in a temple bed. His hands were bandaged, and he vaguely remembered having pounded them on the wall earlier, until Wakka had pulled him back and tried to calm him down.
Besaid. He had said he would go back, back to Besaid. Alone.
Funny how things were. Funny that yesterday was all shock and anger and numbed disbelief, but today he was finally giving in to tears. He cried for Gatta, whose dreams had been cut so short. He cried for himself, having to carry on alone, without that familiar prescence beside him. He cried for the chocobo on the beach, for the bodies he couldn't identify and had never known, and he cried for Yuna marching towards death and the Guardians who would have to stand by in the end and watch her sacrifice herself.
When he was finished, he wiped his eyes and gathered his belongings. There was nothing more to be accomplished here.
He stepped out into a cloudy afternoon and stood at the base of the bridge, alone. It was an odd feeling, being alone, and one that he wasn't sure he would ever get used to. The sun moved from behind a cloud, warm on his back. His shadow stretched before him. Luzzu stepped onto the bridge and never looked back.
--
"Crashing Down"
by Emmi
I am diving up this mountain
I am climbing to the bottom of this sea
I'm wearing shades when it is midnight
I'm walking backwards and my eyes, they are closed
And now that all four walls come crashing down
And now that all four walls come crashing down
Crashing down
Anybody there, anybody there to tell me
Tell me what is wrong
'Cos now I think that I just can't go on
Anybody there, anybody there to tell me
Turn me around
'Cos now I think my world is crashing down
I am dreaming when I think that I'm awake
I am running when I really want to stay
I was laughing when I had the chance to cry
I am drowning and the water ain't so high
And now that all four walls come crashing down
And now that all four walls come crashing down
Crashing down
Chorus...
Tell me now
Hear me angel
Hear my soul
Need you to rescue me
Show me the way
--