Poetry Born From Death Is Scorn

June.30/97

Rain falls upon me from a distance
As the bloods of an ancient land
Swirling across the sands of submission.

----
Aug.15/97

Surfing on a sea of anonymity…
Until the sound of your voice
reverberates deep inside of me;
fills me with a warmth only you can sustain
left locked inside till you unleashed it.
Clinging to you like my soul beacon in the night.
So consumed by your glow I can no longer be cold and detached,
but become that which lived locked away in my mind
for so long.

----
It’s like a mystical river
of blood
running through the ancient
sands of the city
as the wind bruises her eyes, and
scars her cheeks.

The water beckons her forth,
with it’s powers untold
asking her to leap into the
unknown.

The girl sits alone
atop the hill
wondering who’s watching
because she doesn’t care for herself anymore;
maybe someone else will
and then they’ll make her care again too.

The paper thin wings of the butterfly,
upon which she places her hopes,
hold only threats
of the thing she’s been wanting
and what her soul desires most.

The heat is drawn in by the black of
her soul,
pleasures untold
lay in wait within her eclipsed heart.

Is it dead?
The wind seems the only force that can move and reckon with it,
found atop the hill
the lone black flower engulfs her
soul
encompassing the wants and needs that make her
whole.

Fancy liar’s beds, desks, and podiums
atop which she stands
bearing all to those who beg
funny how it’s never enough—

Not even when the small bug we call life
begins to suck
the wanton needs from her veins,
because though different, tomorrow will remain
the same.

Faltering now the light recedes and the ancient ruins appear
before her eyes.
It’ll never be pieced together again
no matter how hard she tries.

Lay now and be still till time dictates more.

----
Dec.8/97

Rapture and Joy and Revelation
as the sun comes up and he
comes down with a mighty tri-pointed spear.
Some satan’s powers vanquish the land
sparing only those who truly
believe to fight his battle
against some almighty god,
who so many claim is the one.
Meanwhile, the almighty has spared all this true disciples
and protected them in some heaven of their making,
all those undecided one way or the other were destroyed.
This is the pattern of the apocalypse.
Be there or miss a great show!

----
Jan.13/98

Fade Into You
hold you, breathe you in to every pore…
Soak in the ambiance of you
feel your warmth; enter your soul as you deconstruct mine,
with your soft; warm breath.
Marching as if I carry
the load of 100 years on my back.

----
Sleep eludes me as it rests in
the far corners of my mind.
Elevation
ripped; torn; spun around
disoriented
he lets me know;
tricks me into believing
that it is he who makes me whole.
I Blink
his face from my mind
wishing to forget
wanting to rebel
ESCAPE
to higher ground.

----
Jan.17/98

Somewhere there’s a love
daunting and true
that is waiting
for me to find it.

It would be easy to cut deep
until I bled so much
it wouldn’t stop
till there was no more blood coursing through my veins.
It would soak into the burgundy comforter and no one would know I was dead,
till noon the next day when my mom came to check on me
and pulled back the quilt
which would squish in her hand
because it was filled with my blood.

I’m going to make him worry
make him suffer.

----
May.15/98

Dedication…
What have I done?
Gotten my hopes up to be shortly
Fallen like a dead angel.
Collapsing under my own sadness
lids too heavy to lift
boots too tough to tie.
I stay inside and refuse to cry,
but sleep, and mope, and eat.
Folding the pillow and carefully situating my dream filled head,
careful not to break tonight’s coming images,
the only joy and escape I have now.
Fabulous dreams of home, and friends, and love, and stars.
Escape to the life I longed to escape once,
Now I can’t wait to return to the predictability,
and stability of home.
Wherever that is.
Left just as I began to have fun, a new life,
the entire time here spent dreaming of going back and resuming the fun part of my old life, only that small part.
Had to get away, Love to get back.
Wings crumble as they hit the ground.
Dreams become reality,
and happiness reigns supreme,
hopefully for more than just momentarily.

----
June.10/98

Let’s see if I can
suck you in with kindness
and desire, and then
THROW YOU AWAY.

----
July.8/98

I feel alone
I’m not supposed to.
Tense situations,
bringing me down.
Perfection looms far ahead.
Unattainable,
glowing in my vastness of wanting.
Fading as I approach it and it juts ahead.
The hope of attaining it will keep me going until I deem
I am done;
might not wait till 27,
unless I see life holding some slice of perfection for me.
Right now there isn’t even a glimmer of hope ahead.
I could die now and leave nothing unfinished;
No ambition would elude me.
There is none.
Nothing ahead.
No hope to be anything, It’ll never happen.
Deconstruction now looms ahead.
My imminent demise if I am brave enough to do it.
I don’t care about me, but I don’t want to cause more chaos in my family, so I keep living.
I just have to escape this place for a bit.
ALONE.