The Adventures of the Asswhack Wagon
By Katie Cohoon and Jennifer Watson
It all started on the last day of high school. No more school, ever! Unless you wanna go to college. Anyway, that night the students at Auburn decided to throw a big bash at Jenn's place. Let's meet our characters, shall we?
That morning the gang woke up with pounding headaches. Over the next few days, Katie, Jenn and Brian went out to look at buses. The first bus was a beat up hunk of junk. The guy who owned it was a bearded old man with dentures. That day they went to Dairy Queen and freaked out some squares. They couldn't wait to tell the others. "Johnny drove the bus up to the gas station. They climbed into the bus and Johnny started the engine. They pulled into Scott's driveway and Johnny rang the doorbell. Once they had planned the best way of going to NYC they buckled their seat belts(in case a cop drove by) and drove into the sunrise. With Johnny at the wheel, the rest of the gang went to sleep. They awoke in New York City that night. Johnny was dog tired and handed the wheel over to Scott.
The next day they woke up and took turns in the shower. They all decided where to go. Katie, Jenn and Danielle wanted to go shopping and the boys wanted to see some sights.
Jenn, the dumb blonde who has a strange sense of smartness about her. She has short blondish hair and brown eyes. Katie, the other dumbass of the group, but smarter than Jenn. Good student, dumb in person. Neither of the two are very bright but they rarely lose they're sense of fearlessness. Katie has a very animated personality and with her freaky blood-red hair and radiating green-blue eyes, she looks like a person out of a sci-fi film. And that's the way she likes it.
Danielle, the smartie pants of the group, who never had a bad grade in her life is DEFINATLEY the Marilyn Munster of this group. She is the only one who has any morals what so ever. Johnny, the freaky guy, with his spikey black hair, vibrant green eyes, and creative clothing, you'd swear he thought it was Halloween. He and Katie are a match made in Heaven. Brian, the funny man who holds the key to Jenn's heart (aww, don't I sound like a poet?). He has a puppy dog look with mousy brown hair and baby blue eyes. He could definately be a model...if only he were taller than 5'8".
Scott, Danielle's level-headed better half and Johnny's best friend is a very talented person in everything he tries. He could do so much better than a gas station attendant. He has everything most girls would want: blonde hair, deep blue eyes, a sweet nature, and IQ higher than 12, talent, a sense of humour and of course, $$$.
Back to the story...
The gang looked around in awe at all of the people who had shown up. The music started up and everyone moved onto the dance floor. Jenn and Katie grooved to the music and everyone tried to be as cool.
"I wish i could dance like you two." Brian commented.
"Well, we'd teach you, but you're slow." Jenn said as she began to laugh.
The doorbell rang and Jenn went to answer it. There she saw Scott and a lot of booze.
"Beer!" Brian said excitedly "You are definately a saint."
About three hours later everyone had gone home except for Brian, Jenn, Katie, and Johnny, who were loaded out of their minds. Jenn was semi concious on the couch, Johnny was asleep on the floor, Katie was throwing up and a barely living Brian was holding her hair back as he waited for his turn. Moments later they returned. Brian colapsed next to Johnny as Katie laid down on the couch.
"You know what would be cool?" Jenn asked dreamily to no-one in particular. "We should walk all the way around North America."
"No way, dumb shit!" Katie objected as she straightend her lime green tube top "We'd get tired after half a mile! What we need is a bus."
"Yeah!" Brian agreed "then we'd be just like hippies! We could go on a freak out!"
"We have to have a really funky bus with weird designs and stuff. We could take the seats out and live in it if we wanted!"
"This is the best idea ever! And we're drunk!" Brian added.
"About this freak bus," Johnny started "we could call it the ass whack wagon!"
"Johnny, weren't you unconcious?"
"Yes
I was but I've been listening."
"Let's call it a night and return to this conversation tomorrow, ok?" Katie suggested as she curled up on the couch.
"Yeah, whatever" Jenn said as she headed up the stairs towards her room "Y'all can stay down here if ya want. G'night"
"Jenn," Johnny said "you better have a lot of Aspirin cos I feel a major hangover coming on." *****
"Don't move too fast or talk too loud 'cause I'll be very mad at you." Johnny commanded.
"We have to buy a bus." Brian said "This road trip would be too cool!"
"Where are we going to get a bus?" Jenn asked.
"We could put an ad in the paper." Katie suggested "All we need is a bus that runs. We can remove the seats and design it the way we want."
"I guess I should do that now. I'll call the paper." Jenn said as she went to the phone.
"And now we play the waiting game." Katie commented.
They all sat down to eat breakfast in silence.
****
"What do you think?" the man asked as he showed us the piece of crap.
"I don't think it's what we're looking for. Thanks for your time." Jenn said politely.
"Just cos she ain't pretty doesn't mean she don't work." he said irritably.
"It only has three wheels!" Katie yelled.
"I think I need a tetnis shot from looking at it!" Brian exclaimed.
"Sorry about him," Jenn apologized "he's special."
"You kids get off my property!" the man yelled "Don't make me get my gun!"
"Holy crap! The old dude's flipped his wig!" Katie screamed.
They ran to Brian's car and drove away.
"I hope all bus people aren't like that!" Jenn yelled.
They visited five more hunks of shit and then they found it. Brian led the way along a path between two flower beds that led to a modest bungalow. He rang the doorbell and a long-haired man, probably in his early 50s answered the door.
"Hey, dudes, what can I do for ya?" the man asked.
"Hi, we're here to see the bus." Brian answered.
"Oh, follow me 'round back and we'll have a look-see. My name's Mombe, by the way."
The followed Mombo around the house into the back yard. They stared in awe at the lime-green, flower-covered freak bus.
"It's....beautiful!" Katie stammered.
"Does she run?" Jenn asked.
"Sure does!" Mombo replied "Purrs like a kitten."
"I don't mean to jump to conclusions, Mr.Mombo, but..." Brian started "were you a hippie by any chance?"
"Sure was!" Mombo stated proudly. "Here's a picture of me at Woodstock."
He took an old photo from his pocket and passed it to Brian.
"Can we take her for a test run?" Jenn asked.
"Yuppers! Hop in!" Mombo instructed.
Jenn, Katie and Brian climbed into the roomy bus. The engine started with no problems and they pulled out of the yard.
"This bus kicks ass!" Kaite exclaimed. "How much do you want for her?"
"I think 10 grand is a fair price." Mombo replied.
"Sold!" Brian shouted.
They went back to the house and sorted out the paper work.
****
This is so cool!" Jenn shouted.
"When do you wanna start this road trip?" Johnny asked.
"As soon as possible." Jenn answered "Everyone go home and pack up your stuff. We have to buy some maps of the US and Canada. We'll also need gas. Tell your folks you're going on a walk."
****
"Fill 'er up!" he instucted Scott, his best friend who works at the gas station.
Where did you get the bus?" Scott asked.
"It belongs to Jenn, Brian and Katie. We're going on a road trip around North America. Hey, you wanna come?"
"Sure I guess. What do I need?"
"Three months worth of clothes, money and food."
"Three months?! My 'rents'll freak! Especially if Jenn and Katie are gonna be there. They don't like them."
"Then don't tell them that they'll be there! Anyways, i have to bring the bus back, so I'll call you later."
"See ya"
Johnny pulled out of the gas station and drove to Brian's house where the rest of the gang was.
"Does anyone mind if Scott comes?" Johnny asked.
"No, he's a cutie." Katie said.
"Excuse me!" Johnny said in a threatening voice.
"But not as cute as you." Katie said reassuringly.
"Where do you wanna go first?" Johnny asked. "I've got the maps right here."
"I wanna go to New York City!" Brian exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Jenn agreed. "Everyone else for it?"
"YEAH!" Everyone else shouted.
"I'm sure we can find our way if we use these maps." Johnny remarked. "Just don't let me navigate."
"We should call Danielle and Kristen too." Katie said. "They missed out on this whole thing."
Katie went and called them.
"They said they'd come, but if they get too annoying, I swear i'll ditch them at the first gas station!"
Laughter filled the room.
"I wasn't joking, you know."
"Does everybody have their bank cards? Speak now or forever hold your peace!" Jenn yelled.
"Let's go for a spin." Brian suggested. "We can drop in on the others and see if they're ready to go."
"Hey, Scott, you ready to go?"
"Yup."
"Got your bank card?"
"Yeah."
"Cell phone?"
"Uh-huh."
"Okie dokie, climb aboard!"
Scott and Johnny returned to the bus. They pulled out of the driveway and made their way to Kristin's house. She was standing in the driveway looking rather pissed off.
Jen got off the bus and approached her.
"Hey, you comin'?"
"Not anymore. I called my dad a bastard and now I'm grounded."
"Whoa, that sucks. Bye!" Jenn ran back to the bus and they drove away, fast. When jenn told everyone why Kristin couldn't come they all laughed.
They pulled into Danielle's driveway and Katie ran to the door. Danielle answered the door with all of her stuff in her hands.
"You look ready to go." Katie said.
"Yup."
"Let's go!" Katie yelled happily.
They ran back to the bus and then drove to the nearest gas station. Scott went to pump the gas while the others planned the route to NYC.
****
"Wow, this place is wall to wall landmarks!" Danielle commented. "There;s the Twin Towers, Manhatten, The Empire State Building, The Statue Of Liberty..."
"BOOOOOO!!!" Brian yelled, interrupting Danielle.
As they drove a little further they came to a corner swarming with whores.
"Hey, Johnny, it's your mom!" Scott yelled.
"Hey, that is my mom! Hi!" Johnny yelled out the window.
"I guess we should find a hotel and stay for the night. I don't wanna be out here when all the weirdos come out." Brian suggested.
"We are the weirdos." Katie replied.
They drove and drove until they found a Motel 6. They walked into the roach infested dump as a short, pudgy man with unkempt facial hair came over to serve them.
"Can I help you the man asked?" the man asked.
"We'd like a room." Danielle said.
"One room for all of you?" he asked suggestively. "Yeah, I guess." she replied.
"Oh, i see." he said with a smirk.
"No, no, man! It's not like that!" Danielle tried to explain.
"it's exactly how it looks!" Johnny said as he put his arms around Scott and Katie. "Grrrrrrr."
"Weirdos." the man muttered under his breath as he handed the key to Jenn.
"Must you freak people out everywhere we go?" Danielle asked in an irritated voice. "Yes." everybody answered.
The all picked a spot on the floor and went to sleep thinking of what tomorrow would bring.
****
They headed to Bloomingdale's first. They stroled up and down the aisles and looked at the many displays. The girls tried on dresses and the guys critiqued them. After they got bored with the dresses they headed to the shoe section.
"Look at all the beautiful shoes!" Danielle gasped.
"Speaking of shoes, shoes suck!" Brian said angrily.
"Yeah, let's go." Johnny agreed.
"Alright, Dad." Jenn said in a daze.
"Stay where Mommy can keep an eye on you." Katie mumbled.
The boys walked out of the store and out to the bus while the girls took their selections to the cashier and waited in line.
"Hey, i wonder why that guy is wearing all black and holding a gun and a bag with dollar signs on it." Jenn said.
"Maybe he's stupid." Katie suggested.
"No," Danielle said "I think we're about to be robbed."
****
The boys were driving around looking for something to do when they pulled up beside a sporty looking BMW. The driver revved the engine and smiled at the boys.
"I think we just got challenged." Scott said.
"Follow that car!" Brian commanded.
They follwed the car for miles until they were out of the city. They came to a deserted road and stopped side by side. The car revved its engine. Johnny revved the engine in reply. The driver of the BMW counted on his fingers from three to one. They took off at a tremendous speed.
They sped down the road, the BMW in the lead, but not by much. Johnny pushed the pedal down more.
"Go faster, you stupid hunk of junk!" Scott yelled.
The bus pulled in front of the BMW and Brian mooned the driver. The driver pushed harder on the gas pedal and they were neck and neck. Again, the bus pulled out in front. The other driver rammed his car against the side of the bus.
"This guy's stupid. He thinks his dinky little sports car can push a bus off the road. Let's teach hime some manners!" Johnny said sneakily.
Johnny pushed the bus to full speed and rammed against the BMW. The car spun out of control and hit a tree. They looked back to see the car burst into flames.
"Sucker!" Brian laughed.
As they continued to watch the flaming car it exploded.
"Maybe he's dead." Scott suggested.
"We better hope he is! What if he told the cops!? At least we have a cool story to tell out grandkids. We killed a man and wathced him die." Brian said as he laughed hysterically.
Johnny turned on the radio to hear a radio report.
"There is a hostage situation at Bloomingdale's." the announcer reported.
"Cool. Maybe someone will get shot." Johnny suggested.
"Oh crap!" Brian cried as he came to a realization. "The girls are there!"
Johnny pulled a U-turn and headed back to Bloomingdale's.
****
"We're gonna die!" Danielle sobbed as the man in black held the gun to her ribs.
"Give me your money!" the man commanded.
"No." Jenn protested.
"Yeah." Katie agreed "We're poor so go away."
The man out the gun up to Katie's head.
"Everyone get on the floor and when I come around you better give me your wallets or I'll shoot this bitch."
"I'm gonna die." Katie laughed.
"Cool. At least when you're dead you don't have to worry about dying." Jenn said.
Danielle continued to sob and hyperventilate.
"How can you guys be calm?! Katie has a gun to her head!" Danielle cried.
"It's a pretty cool feeling to know you're gonna die." Katie remarked as the man dragged her around to collect the wallets.
After he collected the last of the wallets Jenn jumped on his back and started pounding on his skull.
"I AM WONDER WOMAN! YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY! I AM SWORN TO PROTECT THE WORLD AGAINST MEAN PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!" she screamed.
He struggled and managed to filp Jenn off his back. He grabbed her and Katie by the arms and cuffed them to the display case. He then kicked and punched them until they bled form every oriface.
"This sucks." Katie commented.
At that moment they heard a voice over a loud-speaker.
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!" they recognized the voice, it was Brian.
"No, stupid," Scott, by mistake, whispered into the megaphone "we gotta pretend to be cops!"
"Oh yeah." Brian said "Nevermind! We're cops! Come out with your pants down!"
"Give me that!" Johnny yelled as he grabbed the speaker away from Brian. "This is the NYPD. Drop the weapon and come out with your hands up!"
The man in black came out and the guys proceded to run him over with the bus. A few minutes later the real NYPD came and arrested the robber and they all got awards for bravery.
After the ceremony they decided to go for a walk down Wall st.
"Maybe someone will jump off a building. I heard it happened a lot in the 20s." Katie thought aloud.
"You guys are horrible and I hope you all die and go to Hell!" Danielle cried "Hasn't enough happened today?!?!"
"No." Jenn answered simply.
As they walked further down the street they were approached by a scruffy looking man who was obviously homeless.
"Spare change?" the man asked.
"No." Brian said "We're poor."
"And you're wearing a NIKE jacket so give me some friggin' money!" the man screamed as he twitched wildly.
"Why?" Scott asked in an aggravated voice. "So you go get more crack?"
"Yeah." Katie agreed "Why don't you go jump off a building or something? We were just robbed when we went shopping!"
"Alright." the man said as he walked away.
It was then that they decided that this would be their last night in the Big Apple. They headed to the bus and started the engine.
The next day they heard a radio news report.
"Well, yesterday was certianly an exciting day in New York. First of all, Jeff Manning was found dead in a torched BMW that had crashed into a tree. Also, a homeless man was found dead at the bottom of the Chrystler Building. I note was found in his pocked that read 'I hope you're happy'. There was a robbery at Bloomingdale's in which three girls were held hostage. Two girls werebadly beaten and the other was in the corner crying. It was then that their friends came to rescue them. Jenn Simpson, Katie McCormick, Scott Chicken, Danielle Marsh, Brian Livingston and Johnny Cartman were all awarded medals of bravery. This is KJ100.3, here's the Backstreet Boys with I Want it That Way."
"New York sucks. It's not as exciting as in the movies. Let's not go there again." Johnny commented.
"Yeah. We didn't even see Godzilla run through the streets and jump on the buildings." Brian whined with a pout on his face.
Danielle gave an exasperated sigh as they drove off into the sunset.
THE END!!!
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