jokes :: coming to an understanding

by Nury Vittachi
Appeared in the South China Morning Post 6/8/1998.

THIS reporter made a few remarks at a conference at Hong Kong Baptist University earlier this week. It is a happily bilingual institution. Most students were raised in Cantonese-speaking homes, but work well in English. Tutors come from a variety of backgrounds, but teach in English. Much of the conversation in the corridors is Cantonese. Most of the textbooks are English. Delegates to the conference from other countries were English-speakers. Most of the press were Cantonese-speakers.

So what language was the conference in? Mandarin, of course.

I phoned my Beijing-born adviser on inter-cultural matters and asked what he thought the logic of this could be. He just made a curious sucking noise on the phone.

Nearly a year after the handover, the main language of Hong Kong remains Cantonese with a generous smattering of English words.

For those of us who realise this, this column hereby presents a re-visit to Yinglish.

This is not the same as Chinglish, which is Chinesified English. Yinglish, an informal hybrid tongue known in Cantonese as Chung Ying Mun, features English and Cantonese vocabulary on a grammatically mixed base. It is spoken by taxi drivers, tailors, Indian business people and anyone positioned between the Cantonese-speaking and English-speaking communities. (Cantonese rendered phonetically.)

Lesson one: How to Vote in an Election:

Electoral officer A: Oi! Mo gweilo, mm-goi. (Hey! No gweilo allowed to vote!)

Voter B: But-gwaw ngoh hai permanent resident. (But I'm a Hong Kong resident!)

A: Huh? Oh. Okay-la. Yau-mo permanent resident ID card? (Huh? Oh, ok do you have permanent resident ID card?)

B: Yau. Hai nidou. (Yes Right here)

A: Hmm. Waaah. Tut tut. Yau mun tai. (Hmm. Hold on, there is a problem)

B: Mutyeh problem? (What problem?)

A: Lei-ga ID card mo asterisks, mo secret watermark, mo microdot, mo smart card stripe, mo silicon chip. Ho mah fan. (Your ID card has no asterisks, no secret watermark, no microdot, no smart card stripe, no silicon chip. Big problem.)

B: Lei wah mutyeh? (What are you saying?)

A: Lei mm-hai full Heung Gong citizen, sorry. (You are not a full HK citizen, sorry.)

B: Look, ngoh ho mong. Ngoh mo time to stand around and kingai tung lai all yaht. Ngoh only wants to vote for Lee Chu-ming and faan ngok. (Look, I am a busy man. I have no time to stand around and chit chat with you all day. I only want to vote for Lee Chu-ming and leave )

A: Lei cannot vote for Lee Chu-ming. (You can't vote for Lee Chu-ming)

B: Deemguy? (Why?)

A: Yanwai gweilo can only vote for gweilo. Nee-di hai new rule which ngoh just made up. (Because gweilo can only vote for gweilo. This is a rule I just made up)

B: But-gwaw nee-di election mo gweilo candidate. (But there are no gweilo candidates)

A: Ngoh ji! B' byeeee, gweilo. (I know. Bye Bye gweilo!)

Lesson Two: Taking a Taxi From the Mandarin Oriental to the Star Ferry.

Passenger A: Ngoh heui Star Ferry, ho pronto, diksi-seegay, mm-goi very much. (I need to go to Star Ferry, pronto )

Driver B: Ho-a, ho-a. Mo problem. (ok ok no problem)

A: Deemguy you heui this way? Star Ferry hai over there. (Why you go this way. Star Ferry is over there)

B: Hai-a, hai-a. But goh road yau ho-door traffic. Nee road mo traffic. I know, but that road has too much traffic. This road have no traffic

A: Nee road mo traffic because nee road hai road to Kennedy Town. This road has no traffic because it is road to Kennedy Town!

B: Hai-a. Short-cut. Ho fai. Yes. This is short cut. Get there real fast

A: Mm-hai short-cut. Hai bloody long cut. This is not short cut! It is bloody long cut!

B: Mm-hai get lei-ga knickers in a twist. Ngoh turn round. Ngoh use new tunnel, o-mm-okay? Get your knickers in a twist. I turn around and use new cross harbor tunnel, ok?

A: Mm-okay! Ngoh heui Star Ferry Heung Gong-side! No! I'm going to the Star Ferry on Hong Kong side!

B: Ngohdei use new tunnel heui Kowloon first, come back Heung Gong side old tunnel, faidee-ya ho door. I use new tunnel to go to Kowloon first, then come back to Hong Kong using old tunnel. Much quicker!

A: Let ngoh out of this che. Help! Ging-chat! Ging-chat! Let me out of this car. Help! Police!

B: Leung tiu yellow line. Lei can't get out for gau kilometres, deui mm-jeu. Relax tung enjoy the ride, ho pangyau. 2 yellow line. You can't get out for 9 km. Sorry, Relax and enjoy the ride my friend.

Lesson Three: How to Negotiate Rent Reductions With Your Landlord

Landlord A: Yanwai ngoh hai yat goh soft-hearted pushover, ngoh wuih only put up leih-ge rent to seventy-cheen mun. O-mm-okay? Because I am a softhearted pushover, I will only raise your rent to $70,000

Tenant B: Mm-okay! Hai criminal! Seventy-cheen hai a baak per cent increase. Beengo lei think ngoh hai, Li Ka-shing or someone? This is criminal! Who do you think I am, Li Ka Shing?

A: Mo need to get stroppy tung ngoh, pal. Hai inflation-aah. Don't get stroppy with me pal, it inflation!

B: Lapsap! Market rate hai down 40 perBullshit! The market rate has dropped 40%! cent.

A: Tung pigs might fly. Forty per cent down hai what the Heung Gong Jingfu Census tung Statistics Department gong. Ngoh-ge own estimate hai market rental rate gone up gau-sup cent. That is what Hong Kong Census Statistics department say. My own estimate, the rental market rate has gone up 90%

B: Tung what do lei base lei-ge estimates on, pray tell ngoh? And what do you base your estimates on?

A: Rent rises ngoh charge ngoh-ge tenants-aah. Rents rises, so I charge my tenants

B: Ngoh wuih haul leih-ge crooked ass to the Rent Tribunal. I will haul your crooked ass to the Rent Tribunal

A: Mo mun tai. Most judges hai ngoh-ge tenants too, sunshine. No problem, most judges are my tenants too, sunshine

B: Ngoh won't pay. Ngor wuih move to Mongkok tung become yat goh cage-yan. I won't pay! I'll move to Mongkong and live in a cage.

A: Excellent. Ngoh yauh the concession on most cages. Lei require a ng foot suhp inch or a lokh foot saam inch? Gai-wire or metal bars? Leung-up or saam -up? Excellent. I have the concession on most cages. Do you want 5 foot 10 inch or six foot 3 inch? Wire or metal bars? Double or triple?