To my only love, David Letterman
Hi! You don't know me, but I know you...very well. I love you with all my heart and soul! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I believe that you will learn to love me, too. I know everything about you. I know that you dislike blueberry muffins because you threw them away when your neighbour, Mrs. Besselworth brought them over for you. I would also like to tell you about my "Letterman Collection". I have your receipts from Walmart from when you bought your Dockers on sale. I have your bread crust from your morning toast. I know how much you don't like bread crust.
I will not stop until you are mine. I know I can not make you love me, but I can keep stalking you, and hope you give in.
Love Always, -- Rosanna*
P.S. I would have signed this in blood, but I didn't want to mess up.
*-- name changed to protect privacy of stalker